Thursday, December 09, 2010

The come clean post...

As you may or may not know, there was a family upheaval when I was eight weeks pregnant with Simon. If you look through the archives of this blog around September 2006, you will see a few vague posts about the worst day of my life. It is a day that changed me forever. It made me rethink everything I knew, everything I believed, and everyone I trusted. It was the day I found out my husband was a liar. The husband who taught Bible Study in our home. The husband who told me that if I were "more submissive" he could love me better. The husband who told me on several occasions that I was an "awful mother" and an "awful wife" and it was me who was causing him to be suicidal. "Misty, if you could only be more Christ-like. Misty, if you could only have a more meek and quiet spirit. Misty, you are not allowing me to be the head of our house." Let me fill you in...

In September 2006, I was eight weeks pregnant with Simon. At the time, there was a woman who was flirting with Olaf at his work. It was so bad that the guys in his shop started talking about it. During this time, I asked Olaf, "So what else do you need to tell me?" Well...never ask that question unless you really want a truthful answer. He told me to go into the bedroom so he could talk to me in private. It was there he told me about his lifelong addiction to pornography, but more than that...he had told my best friend (who had told everyone in my women's Bible Study) and for the previous four years EVERYONE knew he was struggling with porn and yet...I go to Bible Study every single week...the only person in the room not knowing that my husband has a problem. I brag about how awesome he is. How much I love him. What a fool believes...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-k4-L6GAjE

I am not mad (and have never been mad) about the porn. Let's face it. In this day and age a lot of men struggle with pornography. What I still struggle with is the fact that my husband told everyone, except me, about his addiction. My best friend knew. My Women's Bible Study knew. But...I didn't know. Stupid, stupid, stupid me. Can you imagine the tongue clucks and whispers that must have happened after Bible Study every week?

Needless to say this has changed me. It has changed my relationship with my husband. It has changed my relationship with God.

Why am I writing this post now? Partly because I am tipsy. Partly because I need to say it. Partly because my children deserve the truth. Partly because I am madly in love with my husband.

You see, since September 2006 I have shown very little respect for the man who fucked me over. As a matter of fact, I asked him for a divorce and he refused to leave. There is no doubt in my mind that the ONLY thing that saved my marriage was an unborn Simon Perry Jorek. But because I was so hurt (and so bitter) I told Olaf that I would never be the same woman. That if he wanted a marriage where he would be respected, he should divorce me and find another woman. I promised him that I would never, ever forgive him and most certainly would never forget what he did to me. And you know what?

I obviously have not forgotten.

But what I can say is this...

Olaf has spent the last four years trying desperately to win my love. When all I can do is stuff my face with food because of the emotional pain, he tells me I am more beautiful than ever. When the children disrespect him, he understands why... When I say jump, he answers "how high my love?" As much as I hate writing this, I love him more now than I ever have before. Unconditional love is something most people never get to experience. I get to experience it every single day. No matter how I treat him, he is there for me. Supporting me, loving me, and tending to my every need and desire.

Have I forgotten? No fucking way...

Have I forgiven? I'm trying...

Do I love him? More than anything.


4 comments:

Stacey said...

(((hugs))) There is a book in a good series I can give you the name to if you want. I never read it, but Ron read the guy part of the series and it was really good for him. It's about healing when you are in such a situation. Just let me know.

Monika said...

(((hugs)))

Madame Rubies said...

I agree with you on the porn. I would be amazed to find a man out there who has never had some sort of struggle with it. What a sad state of affairs our world is in to make that true.

And, he isn't lying when he says you are beautiful, ya know? You ARE beautiful. And smart and determined. And pretty durn fabulous. I brag about how well you have done with Pure Romance to friends all the time. I am proud to know you.

And, you are teaching your children that marriage is hard work, but worth it. Perhaps it will make them consider the marriage decision with less naivete when they reach that point themselves. But, they will also know it is possible to make it work. Realism instead of cynicism. :)

Cathy N said...

I agree with Heather. And I will repeat that he isn't lying when he says you're beautiful...you absolutely are beautiful.

Love ya!