My Josiah

Yesterday was my Josiah's 8th birthday. I spent the day worrying about him. He has lost about 6 pounds since the summer (August) and my mama heart is in a frenzy. He is a tall, skinny kid. In the summer he weighed about 68 pounds, and as of Christmas Day he was 62.8. That is a huge weight loss in a short period of time for a child. He is 54 inches tall which makes his BMI around 15. I have made an appointment with the pediatrician on Thursday. I don't know if she will blow me off since he weight is still "great" for an 8 year old. It's not his weight, but the weight loss that scares me. We'll see. Until then I am taking Zanax and trying not to show my concern. (It's not working.)

We went to Chuck E Cheese's yesterday for his birthday. Then he went to Target for popcorn with just Olaf and I. We were supposed to go out for dinner, but he wasn't hungry. He spent most of the day playing his new video games.

Oh, he's my only child so far that needs orthodontics. I need to make an appointment for a spacer because his mouth is too small for his big teeth.

A new blog

I started a new blog today. It's called My Alabaster Jar. It's for my thinkerly thoughts. I'll keep this blog too. To update family activities and such. Just wanted you to know.

Will I lose my dignity?

WIll I lose my dignity?

Will someone care?

Will I wake tomorrow

from this nightmare?

It's so easy to talk about love. To quote 1 Corinthians 13. So easy to say we need to love like Jesus. Easy when we do not have to be around people who desperately need love. The homeless, the drug addict, the prostitute, the people who honestly are unlovable. The people who manipulate the system. The people that we feel don't deserve love because of the choices they have made with their lives.

I watched Rent again tonight. I love this play/movie with everything in me. I cry every single time I watch it. When Angel dies and Collins sings at his funeral; I lose it. Love is love is love.

I want to love like Jesus. I want to love (just a little bit) like this man who doesn't even know Jesus.

Less intense

Much less intense than my last post. And for what it's worth, I did let Olaf read the last post before I published it. (Not that he could have stopped me from pressing that "publish" button) My blog is a cathartic experience for me. I used to sensor myself while writing, but not anymore. This is me, Misty. You can choose to read or not to read.

Pressing on...

Camille has a really bad cold/cough. She feels horribly. I think Simon is in the beginning stages of it as well. He is coughing at night a little. I still took Camille to her first People to People meeting on Sunday. It was just a social gathering for the Student Ambassadors. Our first real meeting, loaded with information, is January 15th. I am so excited about this trip. I am buying things for her left and right. I called our cellular service today (AT&T) to make sure she would be able to use her cell phone while she was there. I am glad I called because the only phone that works in Japan is the iPhone or a Blackberry. So, she'll take Olaf's iPhone with her as he also has a Blackberry for work that he can use as a cell phone while she is gone. I also looked around to see if she needs a converter for the electricity. (She doesn't. Not for the iPhone charger anyway.) Japan uses 2 prong outlets a lot like ours, and runs on 100v electricity.

Just for fun watch this! You'll enjoy it if you liked Rock n Roll in the 80's.

Christmas is almost here! YAY!!

The come clean post...

As you may or may not know, there was a family upheaval when I was eight weeks pregnant with Simon. If you look through the archives of this blog around September 2006, you will see a few vague posts about the worst day of my life. It is a day that changed me forever. It made me rethink everything I knew, everything I believed, and everyone I trusted. It was the day I found out my husband was a liar. The husband who taught Bible Study in our home. The husband who told me that if I were "more submissive" he could love me better. The husband who told me on several occasions that I was an "awful mother" and an "awful wife" and it was me who was causing him to be suicidal. "Misty, if you could only be more Christ-like. Misty, if you could only have a more meek and quiet spirit. Misty, you are not allowing me to be the head of our house." Let me fill you in...

In September 2006, I was eight weeks pregnant with Simon. At the time, there was a woman who was flirting with Olaf at his work. It was so bad that the guys in his shop started talking about it. During this time, I asked Olaf, "So what else do you need to tell me?" Well...never ask that question unless you really want a truthful answer. He told me to go into the bedroom so he could talk to me in private. It was there he told me about his lifelong addiction to pornography, but more than that...he had told my best friend (who had told everyone in my women's Bible Study) and for the previous four years EVERYONE knew he was struggling with porn and yet...I go to Bible Study every single week...the only person in the room not knowing that my husband has a problem. I brag about how awesome he is. How much I love him. What a fool believes...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-k4-L6GAjE

I am not mad (and have never been mad) about the porn. Let's face it. In this day and age a lot of men struggle with pornography. What I still struggle with is the fact that my husband told everyone, except me, about his addiction. My best friend knew. My Women's Bible Study knew. But...I didn't know. Stupid, stupid, stupid me. Can you imagine the tongue clucks and whispers that must have happened after Bible Study every week?

Needless to say this has changed me. It has changed my relationship with my husband. It has changed my relationship with God.

Why am I writing this post now? Partly because I am tipsy. Partly because I need to say it. Partly because my children deserve the truth. Partly because I am madly in love with my husband.

You see, since September 2006 I have shown very little respect for the man who fucked me over. As a matter of fact, I asked him for a divorce and he refused to leave. There is no doubt in my mind that the ONLY thing that saved my marriage was an unborn Simon Perry Jorek. But because I was so hurt (and so bitter) I told Olaf that I would never be the same woman. That if he wanted a marriage where he would be respected, he should divorce me and find another woman. I promised him that I would never, ever forgive him and most certainly would never forget what he did to me. And you know what?

I obviously have not forgotten.

But what I can say is this...

Olaf has spent the last four years trying desperately to win my love. When all I can do is stuff my face with food because of the emotional pain, he tells me I am more beautiful than ever. When the children disrespect him, he understands why... When I say jump, he answers "how high my love?" As much as I hate writing this, I love him more now than I ever have before. Unconditional love is something most people never get to experience. I get to experience it every single day. No matter how I treat him, he is there for me. Supporting me, loving me, and tending to my every need and desire.

Have I forgotten? No fucking way...

Have I forgiven? I'm trying...

Do I love him? More than anything.

Joy, joy, joy

I had a great day today! I spent most of it with my friend, Becky. We haven't seen each other for about five years, but it was so much fun. I love people who are real, have absolutely no facade, and share great music with you! I was introduced to the Foo Fighters, Godsmack, and Cee Lo! I only listen to 70's easy listening (think America and Boston), so this was a step for me and I enjoyed every minute of it. We had fabulous conversation and even Simon had fun. I am so thankful to God for people like Becky!